Hi friends,
I’m back… over a week later than I intended to be. I’ve been having trouble getting back into the swing of things. Since arriving back in LA on September 12th, I’ve been to Carlsbad twice, spent a day at Disneyland, hosted two events, and now I’m writing from a plane on my way to Dallas. It’s been hectic and the complete opposite of restful. I told a friend on Wednesday that I wanted to shut myself inside my house and do nothing for the entire month of October, only to check my calendar and see I’m already pretty booked up for the month.
But I’m starting to find my way back! I posted the first episode of season two of Unruly Figures on time, I’ve whittled my inbox down to 900 unread emails from 1245 (mostly newsletters, I’m not that in demand), I’ve finally signed back into Discord, and I’m ready to tackle a new essay for y’all. So let’s goooooo.
Writing a book took a lot out of me—so much that I haven’t really felt like writing since.
Or, well, it’s more than not “feeling like it.” We all don’t “feel like” doing stuff occasionally only to do them anyway. The frustrating truth is that I’ve been burnt out for the last few weeks.
The burnout has me feeling drained of everything. I used to have a couple-hundred-day-streak on 750 Words that I simply abandoned because I just…couldn’t put words on a page. My brain has felt like mush since I turned in my book manuscript on August 30th.1 On September 2nd, my editor told me she’d have edits back to me in two weeks and I almost cried— “please don’t,” I begged to the computer screen (I did not actually say that to her). Thankfully, it turned out that she had meant two months. A few of my friends even noticed that I’ve seemed oddly blank lately, bereft of emotion.
The problem came from the writing pace I had to keep up during August. I had intended to finish the first draft of the manuscript in June so I could take July off, edit in August, and turn it in before flying to London for my friend’s wedding. But life kept getting in the way until it couldn’t anymore and I was staring down the barrel of writing 9 chapters in 30 days. At 2500 words per chapter, that’s 22,500 words that needed to be written. But not just any 22,500 words—22,500 words that had to be meticulously and deeply researched first. Doable but difficult, grueling, onerous. I made it to the finish line, but I mostly limped across.
If I could recommend anything to anyone—it’s to, uh, not do that. By the end, I began to resent the book, resent myself for agreeing to it, and resent the idea of Unruly Figures for popping into my head in the first place. I’m feeling better now, but it was a dark headspace to inhabit for a few days.
After turning in my manuscript, I went straight to the airport for my flight to London. Literally—I turned it in at noon Pacific and was on my way to LAX by two pm. After a wedding and a few days in London, I moved on to Paris, then five days later to Denver. It was great at first, but with each day of activities! and plans! and things to do! the high of turning in my book faded and exhaustion crept in.
Since I got back, I’ve been trying to find any spark of energy or joy in writing again. And I wish I could sit here and wrap this up with a nice, “this is how I fixed it!” but I can’t. I had a brief moment of excitement talking with a librarian at NYPL about a project I want to start next, but these days I’m mostly daydreaming about ordering a PS4 and playing Stray.
The irony is that even though I’m feeling exhausted, I’m also too anxious to take more time away. Though the idea of actually writing has filled me with dread for the last 22 days, the idea of not writing has felt just as bad. So I made myself come back to it, hopeful that just getting started would help me feel better about things.
And while just writing here again helped some, it created other anxieties—what if the dread I felt is not exhaustion, but something deeper? What if I just don’t want to do this (whatever “this” is) anymore? More to the point: What if this newsletter is a zombie hobby, a thing I do because I have done it for a while and feel like I still have to?
To my delight, Cole from Cole’s Climb actually wrote about a similar conundrum in his post yesterday. He talked about when he lost all joy in climbing and gave some advice about how to find it again:
There is a veritable apocalypse of zombie hobbies running around these days. Through introspection it’s possible to rekindle lost passion and get that fulfillment back. Ask yourself three simple things:
Why did I used to find this enjoyable?
Why am I doing it now?
What do I hope to get out of this, moving forward?
The answers to at least two of those questions should be in alignment. Here’s a helpful guide to what your answers mean:
If 1, 2, & 3 are the same — you never lost your initial passion
If 1 & 2 are the same — you maintained your passion, but want something new
If 2 & 3 are the same — you are getting new purpose from something you love
If 1 & 3 are the same — you are re-aligning with your initial passion
If none are the same — you are seeking something entirely different
I hope this inspires you to do some digging in your own life, because our time here is too short to be bogged down by things we’re only pretending to care about.
If you’re feeling exhausted or burned out, I really recommend doing this exercise!
I took some time on my flight to think these questions through myself and realized that part of my issue is that while I love history and non-fiction, my first love is fiction and I want to get back to that. I also want more of a writer’s community and to feel less like I’m screaming into the void. More than both of those things, I want writing to be fun again.
So there will be some changes around here come November. I’m not sure what form they’ll take yet, but keep an eye out for those developments.
Before that though, I’m going to start a challenge that another excellent writer, Summer Brennan, is in the middle of doing: The 30-Day Notebook Challenge. She’s writing a little something every day for 30 days, and I am going to do the same. Except I’m going to do 28 days because I like that symmetry better.
Every day from September 26 - October 24, I’m going to post something short here on Substack. There might be a few longer essays in there, but mostly it will be short and sweet. I’m just trying to find some joy again.
Want to join me? Here are Summer’s rules:
If you’re a writer, or just like to write, do consider joining in and writing along with me in an informal capacity if you so desire. We’ll write or rewrite something every day for thirty days. There are no word count requirements, and no topical restrictions.
Let me know in the comments if you’re joining in.
Currently Reading
One thing I have been doing a lot of lately is reading. After reading a ton of academic books for my book research, I also made sure I read a lot of books for fun while I was on my hiatus. One of my favorites from this time has been Strong Female Protagonist, by Brennan Lee Mulligan. It’s about young superheroes with too much on their shoulders, and one supergirl who tries to leave it all behind to live a normal life. It’s a delight.
I haven’t paid enough attention to graphic novels in the past, and that’s something I’m planning on changing. I’m picking up Book Two next week and I can’t wait.2
Speaking of fun and delightful: Earlier this week my friend Elizabeth of What to Read If launched a new project called Notes from Three Pines. It’s going to be an entire series dedicated to Louise Penny’s Inspector Gamache books, with tons of different writers with different perspectives, and I am in love with it. The first post will drop next week, I believe, so if this is up your alley, I recommend you subscribe now so you never miss a post:
All right, I think that’s our show for the week! I’ll be back on Monday with the beginning of the Writer’s Notebook challenge, and on Wednesday with the next On Rejection interview with another great writer.
I keep these newsletters free by not worrying too much about typos and flow. But if you want to you can tip me, as a treat.
If you liked this and think your friends might too, please forward it on! That’s how we all discover new fun things, right?
No one believes how bad it’s been until I tell them that I pre-paid for parking at LAX for my flight… from Burbank Airport to Dallas. I didn’t register that trying to park at an airport 40 miles away from the one I was flying out of would be a problem until I was typing the address into my GPS. I’ve been doing G R E A T.
Some of the links in this post (specifically this one!) are affiliate links! That just means if you click through a buy a book, I’ll get a few cents of profit but it won’t cost any more for you.
I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed, you have a lot going on. Be kind to yourself. You don't need to be on top of everything all the time.
Marg xxx (from the bureau of unsolicited advice)
Thanks friend!