On Rejection: Tami Carey

Actor, entrepreneur, dating profile expert

Welcome back to our interview series, everyone!

For our first interview of the year, I’m so excited to have multi-hyphenate extraordinaire, Tami Carey. She has some great insight about how to deal with rejection that I think is a great start to the year.

If you’re just discovering Collected Rejections, welcome! In this world, writing is still fun, rejection is not a bad word, and we’re all here to grow as writers. If you’re into that, subscribe to this newsletter here:

Hi Tami! Tell us about a time you experienced rejection.

Before I launched my Substack earlier this year, I was already mentally preparing for the kind of ambiguous rejection that comes from sharing a piece of yourself with the world only to be met with (at best) ambivalence or (at worst) awkward silence. 

I had (have) this big vision for a multi-media empire and this was the beginning. It would be personal essays, but also video and photography, interactive experiments and fiction. At the time, the ideas were still half-formed, but I could see what I wanted it to be. I was just worried no one else would. 

Along the way, an accumulation of rejections had added up to this belief that I am too much. Too confusing. I do too many things. I don’t make sense. No one knows what to do with me.

The whole point of building this platform was to give myself a place where I had full creative autonomy. An opportunity to make things that didn’t depend on anyone else’s permission or acceptance or approval (something that was not available in my acting and service-business careers). But the truth is, I don’t want to create in a vacuum. Part of the joy is the shared experience. Part of the creation is what it becomes when others participate in it.

I was explaining (justifying) this fear to some new friends and, to illustrate (prove) my point, I told the story of when I signed up on Match.com (this was before culture had accepted digital connections as a valid way of meeting people and designed apps to make it easier).

I had just moved to LA from Chicago and I was having a really hard time meeting anyone- romantically or otherwise. I decided to sign up for their 30-day free trial and go on as many bad dates as possible in one month just to have some experiences. I threw together a half-hearted profile and the interest started flooding in. It wasn’t great quality interest- a lot of ‘hey’s and ‘u r hot’s- but still, it felt good. 

As I was looking through profiles, I noticed how much thought people put into them. I figured- I like to write, I should do something fun with this. So, I turned my profile into an encyclopedia (inspired by one of my favorite books) with cross-referenced facts and blurbs about myself. I was so proud and totally delighted in the process of making it. It felt like exactly me.

I hit ‘Save’...and the interest stopped. 

Crickets. No more messages.

Like, almost entirely. 

Of course, I thought. I knew it. You show a little personality and suddenly you’re too much.

How did you get over it?

At the time, this quickly solidified a core belief about who I needed to be in order to fit in and be accepted (mainly- not myself). This story became a big narrative for me.

But here’s the funny part…

As we kept talking, my friends asked what happened next? Did I go on any dates? Did I end up meeting anyone? 

And I did. 

I actually met my husband. A few days after I updated my profile, he sent me a really long, thoughtful email, picking out some of my favorite details and responding to them in a cleverly constructed list (lists are one of my love languages).

You should have seen the look on my friends’ faces- part confused, part dumbfounded, a little incredulous. 

And then I heard it, too…I had effectively disproved my point. I should freely and absolutely trust my colorful creativity and eclectic vision and make whatever I want, however I want, and not be so concerned about making sense to people. Because, the lesson here was not that when I’m exactly myself no one will want me (or what I make); it's that when I’m exactly myself, the right people can find me who will.

Obviously, I had told the story of meeting my husband lots of times. Probably as many times as I had told the story of the crickets. But until that moment, in my mind, they were separate. Unrelated. I don’t know how to explain it other than our brains are powerful and we can edit and shape stories to make points that are actually proof of the opposite without even realizing it.

It’s not that the overwhelming sense of rejection wasn’t true. It just wasn’t the whole truth. Or the most important truth.

If you could go back and tell yourself anything right before that experience, what would you say? 

I like the saying- if you try to be something for everyone, you’ll end up being nothing for no one. It sounds nice and I think it’s true. But it also means that you’re not going to be right for a lot of people or projects. And the day-to-day experience of that, 99% of the time, looks like flat-out rejection. You just have to remember, in those awkward silences, you don’t need a hundred options- you only need one good one. 

You've been an entrepreneur, an actor, a filmmaker, a designer--how do all those roles play into one another? 

For me, it’s all story-telling and world-building. I approach a fictional story the same way I approach a physical space- embody the characters who live there, imagine their lives and experiences and conversations, and then translate that into words or images or textures or layouts that capture or inspire or facilitate that. 

I know designing a hotel and building a bike shop cafe and making a movie all seem completely unrelated, but, for me, stories and spaces are my favorite shared experiences and I think it’s those moments of delight and magic that open us up and connect us. Really, everything I create comes down to a desire to bring us all together. 

What are you working on now?

As you might imagine, I have lots up my sleeves. Last year was a big foundation-laying year. This year, I’m building on top of that. I am returning to acting and assembling my team of reps to begin auditioning again. I’ll be launching the next multimedia phase of Outsourced Optimism in a few months, including an interactive fiction project that I’m planning to turn into a video series. And, I’m formalizing my story strategy (part brand strategy, part creative direction, part copywriting) consulting to help other creatives and businesses find their voice and connect with their people. It’s going to be a big, busy year!

You can find Tami on Instagram.