Dear Dorothy: How Do I Hide My Imposter Syndrome?
Or, a new sweary advice series I'm trying
Inspired by the sharp wit and no-nonsense advice that Dorothy Shaw gives in Gentleman Prefer Blondes, I’m starting a monthly advice column right here in Collected Rejections! It will be sweary, honest fun. Like Dr. Anna Maria Barry’s essay last week, this first one will be free for everyone. Future advice will go behind the subscriber paywall. Annual subscriptions are 25% off until May 16, 2021.
Dear Dorothy,
I need help learning how to seem more confident. I’m at a point in my career where I know that I know a lot and can wield authority… but I don’t feel like an authority! How do I act confident when I feel like an imposter?
With lots of nerves,
Lacking Confidence
Hey Lacking Confidence,
Let me tell you a story: When I was in high school, I hated public speaking. But we were required to take a speech class in order to graduate. I put it off and put it off, thinking that eventually, I’d feel ready. And then it was the spring semester of my senior year, and I had to either take speech or not graduate. I won’t lie to you LC, I seriously considered just not graduating.
Instead, I took the class. I mean, I didn’t have the guts to take speech before I was forced to, how was I ever going to get up the nerve to tell my education-obsessed parents I was choosing not to graduate? There was no fucking way.
For my first speech, I literally just talked about how terrified I felt. I knew I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else, so I just decided, well, fuck it, my fear is already all I’m thinking about, I might as well just be honest with everyone.
The phrase ‘trembled like a leaf’ took on very literal meaning while I stood there and spoke. The teacher was notoriously tough, and the room was full of unfriendly freshmen I’d never seen or met before. There was one friendly face: Another senior who’d also put off the class because it always conflicted with jazz band, and he was the school’s best saxophone player. By the end of my speech, the paper I held was see-through because of the sweat from my palms. I had to be helped back to my seat because the adrenaline coursing through my body had made my legs seize up.
But before I sat back down, my notoriously difficult teacher, who was openly called ‘one tough asshole’ by one of the other teachers, smiled and clapped. He told me that he couldn’t tell I was terrified. He insisted that giving that speech (and the 5 more I’d be required to give that semester) was the first step in not being afraid of public speaking anymore. He may have called it irony: The only way to stop being afraid of doing something was to do it. (We’ll have to ask Alanis Morisette if that’s an approved definition.)
“Fake it ‘til you make it,” he advised. He winked! WINKED! And gave me an A+!
So, that’s the first thing I pass on to you LC: Fake it ‘til you make it.
You may not feel confident. But you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that you earned this position in your career. Maybe it’s cheesy, but write down some affirmations like, “I am a knowledgeable leader,” and put them on your bathroom mirror. Look yourself in the eye and repeat them OUT LOUD. Whisper them to yourself before important meetings or before sending an email you’re nervous about! You can pretend at confidence until it starts to feel real. And it will! The more you show up for yourself, the more you tell yourself that you already have the skills and knowledge, the more that little voice that tells you that you’re an imposter will start to fade.
So I also want you to reread your own words. You yourself said, “I know I know a lot.” That’s the key! You know already in your bones that you’re ready to be a leader. Maybe you’re waiting for someone else’s permission. Stop! You’re the leader! You don’t need permission to lead! You give permission to other people! You already know what you need to know. And when you come across a question you can’t answer, you’re resourceful enough to find the information you don’t know.
I’m still not a great public speaker, LC. But, what’s important is that I’m not afraid of it anymore. (Instead, I’m very afraid of crabs, intimacy, and the idea of a boundless void. I consolidated all my fear into three things and that really keeps me focused.)
Someday, LC, career confidence is going to be so easy for you. And until then, we can’t really tell what you’re thinking anyway, so you look like you’re doing great!
With all the awe,
Dorothy
To submit your questions to Dorothy, just respond to this email!