Days 5 & 6

There’s one novel, Cujo, that I barely remember writing at all. I don’t say that with pride or shame, only with a vague sense of sorrow and loss. I like that book. I wish I could remember enjoying the good parts as I put them down on the page.

—Stephen King

I wrote this yesterday but then felt a little too vulnerable about it to actually post it, so please excuse the combining of two days:

Today, I’ve been sober for 150 days.

When I finally stopped drinking in May this year, I’d known I needed to get sober for a while. Had tried to, in fact, in 2020. But then the pandemic hit and I didn’t think I could “do” a global crisis of that magnitude without alcohol.

Sometimes (rarely) people ask why I don’t drink. If they’re being assholes about it, I say, “Because I’m an alcoholic,” and that usually shuts them up. (Weird how people will try to torment you until you’re aggressively vulnerable with them, and then suddenly they can’t handle it.)

The real reason is because I woke up on May 3rd this year and found an entire text message exchange that I couldn’t remember having. I didn’t say anything bad or to be ashamed of—in fact, I was proud of Drunk Valorie for showing up for a friend in crisis as well as she did. But I didn’t remember it. I cried. I wish I remembered it.

Then I looked at my journal and I’d written:

I don't feel safe with myself anymore. […] I don't feel safe with myself when I'm drinking. I don't trust myself to take care of myself.

I was done.

And today:

I love the first of the month. Of any month. It feels so simple, like a little clean slate. I did some autumn cleaning (I hate spring cleaning) like hunting dust bunnies out of corners, putting rarely-used blankets through the laundry, etc. I pulled clothes I didn’t wear all summer out of my closet and packed them for a trip to a secondhand clothing shop. It feels good, like I’m getting something out of my system and making room for something new.

I started the Writer’s Notebook as a 28-day challenge to find joy in writing again. Traditionally, a writer’s notebook is a collection of observations, reactions, ideas, questions, memories, quotes, sketches, lists, snippets of moving language, or some combination of the above. (Sometimes they’re also called Commonplace Books!) Want to join in? Leave a comment below letting me know and I’ll come check out your work!