047: You Could Stop, If You Want
Hi friends,
I’ve been on an accidental hiatus lately, struggling to get much done besides the absolute bare minimum. While writing feels like a bare minimum need for my sense of identity and emotional well-being, I’ve been languishing in the lower levels of Maslow’s hierarchy, mostly just trying to muster up the energy to cook and put on moisturizer at night. (I’ve got about a 50% success rate with both right now.)
But things seem to be turning a corner. I’m looking very seriously at an actual vacation at some point in late April, which is giving me just enough energy to make it through until then. Now, after accidentally missing this month’s earlier essay, I’m back. And I’m curious—how are you doing, really?
It’s okay to stop caring for a little while.
That sounds dark. Maybe it is dark. But, I think, I think, that it’s okay to just not care about things sometimes. I know we live in a particular time and place that rewards constantly caring about everything, constantly being informed and having opinions and expressing those opinions and doing something about things and and and and…
But it’s okay to not care. It’s okay to stop caring.
I am usually a person who cares. I care about people I know and don’t, I care about other people’s interpretations of me, I care about the environment and how we treat refugees and that my house is a mess and whether the world is going to be okay. I care about getting things right and also making sure no one feels bad if they get things wrong. Usually, generally, I care.
Earlier this week, someone told me that I never seem excited about anything. And for a while that had me reeling. Not because I think he was wrong but because I know that, based on his limited interactions with me, he was right.
Lately, I don’t care about most things. Lately I don’t care that the house is a mess or that I look like shit or that I’m behind on every deadline. I can’t, not right now, not anymore.
Partly, it’s exhaustion. Between the pandemic and my workaholic tendencies, I haven’t taken a real break since July 2016 (eek). I took a break from the internet last August, but I still went to work every day so it wasn’t exactly a relaxing time. I can’t remember the last time I relaxed, period. So yeah, this is at least partly a response to outright exhaustion, to burning the candle at both ends for far too long.
It’s also that I’m actively choosing to care about nothing right now.
Because I think that sometimes in the face of overwhelm and overwork and a world that feels like it’s one straw away from a broken back, it’s okay to choose to stop caring. It’s okay to take a day off emotionally.
Just like there’s only so much physical weight you can carry over a distance before you have to set it down and take a break, there’s only so much psychic weight you can carry before you have to set it down and take a fucking break. Giving yourself some emotional distance for a couple of days might be the only sane response in a world that thrives on (and invests in!) your anger, your depression, your loneliness, your hurt, your worry, your fear, your regret, your sadness, your despair.
I’m not saying that we should all emotionally shut down forever. Nor am I saying that I’m going to abandon my responsibilities like feeding my cat or locking my doors or showing up for work. (There’s not caring and then there’s hurting other people; I’m only for the first one.)
I cannot get excited about anything right now. I cannot pretend things are great. I’m also sick of keenly feeling how terrible a lot of things are right now. So I’m clocking out. For today and tomorrow and maybe a few more days after that, I’m just going to stop and let my mind and heart rest.
Currently Reading
Do you remember our interview earlier this month with Abigail Stewart? I’m currently reading her debut novel, The Drowned Woman. It is atmospheric in the best way—it keenly reminds me of being 23 again and not sure what life holds next. You can feel the looming disaster from the first page, and Abby’s tightly controlled writing makes the journey dizzying. You can still put in your preorder here!
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